By Nicole Tarkoff
She didn’t want to fall for you. She didn’t even want to like you let alone potentially love you, and when she began to feel that familiar feeling, the one where she smiles every time her friends ask about you, the one where she gets excited every time she sees your name pop up on her phone, the feeling of falling, she began to feel another familiar feeling too, fear. She was scared to love you.
She was afraid of love because it never worked out for her before. She knows how badly heartbreak hurts, but every time she begins to fall the happiness makes her temporarily forget. The overwhelming bliss of thinking that what she’s found is love, makes her hopeful. She hopes it’s love, the real kind. She hopes it won’t end with that terrible thing she knows so well. She hopes it won’t end with “You deserve better.” She hopes it won’t end with him disappearing, with no closure at all, not even a goodbye. She hopes it won’t end with him leaving for reasons that just don’t make any sense to her, with reasons that leave her wondering what the hell she did wrong. She hopes she won’t get hurt.
Because she’s just the nice girl who had no intention of falling in love. She’s the nice girl who didn’t want to love you anyway because love to her means hurt. It means crying at 2 am and wondering why someone can’t love her the way she deserves to be loved. Love to her means every display of affection that she’s mistaken for something more. Love to her means every single time she’s gotten it wrong. She’s the nice girl who can’t seem to get love right. She’s the nice girl who falls for people who only let her down.
She’s the nice girl who’s afraid to love you because she doesn’t want you to be like the rest of them. She doesn’t want you to be another disappointment, another let down.
So despite the hope that fills her when she begins to fall, you choose to hurt her anyway. You choose to become distant when you notice her attachment. You choose to tell your friends that she’s being too clingy. You choose to let go when she’s fighting to hold on. You hurt her because you’re just as scared as she is.
Because we’re all a little scared of love. We’re all a little frightened by the idea of investing our heart into someone who could potentially shrivel it in the palm of their hands. We’re afraid of love because if we do end up hurt, it’s always our own fault. The blame is on us, because we chose to do it. We chose to give our heart to the person who broke it, but please don’t forget that you can choose to love someone who won’t.
She was scared, and so was he.
Her fear of heartbreak will always be there, but real love will make her face it. Not all love ends in hurt, but we’re all a little afraid it will.