I read this touching story on EP. I cant help but share with with you all. Hope you love it.
“I lived without being able to feel love for years. I did not love anyone else, and I did not accept love from anyone else. I am now trying to recover from this, and trying to love again. It has been very difficult. This is my story.
I was a very shy child when I was younger. I would rather have a bone broken than talk to a girl, and I was not much better with guys. I was the smart kid who answered most of the questions in class, and got 100’s on tests just by memorizing the information while the teacher spoke. I was never very social, and only had a few friends – but I loved from a very early age. During 3rd grade I got a crush on this one girl, lets call her Helen. I loved her almost more than life itself, though I never had the courage to tell her. I would stare at her during class, in a dream-like trance, just admiring her. She was perfect. Her looks, her personality, her smile, her intelligence! Though for some reason, I would almost rather die than tell her.
During sixth grade, I decided that I would confess my love to her on Valentines Day. I knew that we were the perfect couple; I always did a ton of research before making a big decision. She would jump into my arms, kiss me on the cheek, and we would live happily ever after. We would hold hands on the swing, confide in each other all of our secrets, help one another when down, bring the other eternal happiness just from that one smile – and those magical eyes. My three years of waiting had been over. I knew it.
I decided to buy Helen a chocolate rose for Valentines Day. I bought her a modest card, one not too romantic – to be sure not to scare her away. That night I remember being locked in my closet, crying as I wrote the card. All I wrote was “Happy Valentines Day Helen, From Konrad.” Clenching my teeth, holding in my tears, face distorted in agony, I stopped myself from writing “Love Konrad.” I was so afraid that she would be startled by my obsessive love, that I couldn’t write it. Though I wanted to so, so badly. I wanted to express to her that she was such an amazing woman, so kind, gentle, outgoing, happy, smart, and divinely beautiful, but I couldn’t. I think that what pained me the most was the thought that I would never be able to. Just the idea of rejection got me so overwhelmed, I almost couldn’t stand it.
Valentines Day had come. The envelope was meticulously sealed, rose packaged with perfection in my backpack.
Lunch time. My friends knew that I had a crush on Helen. We all had a crush on her at some point. Well, it was more of a point in time for them compared to mine at least. I had never loved anyone else. When I told them what was going to happen they could hardly believe me. At the table I couldn’t eat any of my food, too nervous. Senses dulled, I only had one thing on my mind. I stood up, walked over to the table, and only managed to get out “Happy Valentines Day Helen.” Not being able to breath, I heard the response “I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything for you.” It was said in a kind manner, though it didn’t help. Soon after, the girls at the table started to laugh at me. Three years for this, three years for this. Shocked and dumbstruck, somehow I managed to walk back to the table. Not being able to focus, taste, or smell, I tried to eat my food but failed miserably. My throat didn’t want to swallow. The lunchroom chatter was a dull drone. I felt like I was shot in the chest. My friends tried to comfort me, but it was useless. I sat at the table, tears dripping down my face as I tried to eat my food and not draw a scene. This was my worst nightmare.
Lunch was over; I had almost stopped crying by now. Regaining most of my motor control now, I walked to the bathroom. I washed my face, and took control of my tears. Class had started. Taking a few minutes to dry up, I walked into class five minutes late. The teacher didn’t say a word.
As I usually do when I have a problem, I went to my parents for help after school. I explained what had happened and how badly I was hurt, though they weren’t able to help. They told me that everything would be OK, and that it would all get better. It didn’t help. At the time I was going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, realizing that the ten or fifteen percent of my life had already been used up – and that we only get to live once. (I will have to save my religious views for another time) This event had so much impact on me; I just wanted nothing to do with this life anymore. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t. As I was locked in the bathroom crying, I realized that I couldn’t put my parents through that kind of pain. I also had a very, very, slim hope that my future might be a bit brighter. In any case, I was a fighter. I don’t think that I would have given up and killed myself even if I hadn’t any parents. In any case, though, I never EVER wanted to have to feel that way again. I never wanted to get so low, to want to kill myself again. And this is why my “clever” young mind devised a way for myself to never to experience it again. I decided to cut myself off from all love. I taught myself not to love anyone, and not to accept love from anyone. Unfortunately, I inadvertently cut myself off from loving my family as well.
Not being able to love, not being able to accept love has had some terrible consequences. It has cut me off from my family a bit, but mostly has cut me off from friends and potential girlfriends. I am still recovering from this, seven years later. In fact, just recently I realized that my family loves me. I always had the inkling, though I never had really believed it. Luckily, am starting to love my family again as well. I have always acted kindly to them, because they treat me kindly and they’re my family, though now when I say “I love you” I can sort of mean it. It’s nice. I still feel like I am cut off from people though. I do not have any best friend, nor a girlfriend.
Over the years I have gotten a bit better at making friends, and being a friend. College has really helped me a lot. It had provided the environment, though I still had to make the moves myself. I had actually asked two or three girls out so far, and had managed to go out with one girl for a whole week. This is a record for myself, and I am happy that I am getting better at loving.
When I walk around school I still feel cut off from everyone, though not as much. I notice myself doing strange things like unicycling to get attention. I am now realizing why I always used to wear crazy bright green pump up shoes in middle school. I just wanted attention. I just wanted to be loved, to be cared about. I often look at everyone who walks past me, each time hoping that the person looking back cares. I have been trying to build my self-confidence, and I have made massive improvements compared to where I had been – though I still have a long way to go. It seems like my confidence is linked to my belief that people care about me or not. It’s still my dream to be loved by someone, and to be able to love him/her back with my whole heart, whether it is my famz, a good friend, or a lover.
I am still trying to figure out how this world works. When I figure something out about life I take it importantly, so I usually write it down. These are a few things that I have learned of life so far.
You have to fight your fears, not hide from them.
Enjoy intelligent discussion
Meet new people, and stay in touch.
Focus your soul on good, not evil, to guide your soul to peace.
Live nobly; Live for a noble cause.
It is much more difficult to live nobly than to die nobly.
Stay mentally and physically fit to repel illness.
Take risks and try new things.
Live and Love life.
You must love yourself before you can love others.”