By Lacey Ramburger
To say that time is important is almost unnecessary, despite that we don’t always act like it, especially when it comes to our relationships.
We talk about not rushing into things as if it’s the golden rule of dating- not treating each other with respect or being honest with each other. To even give off the vibe of rushing is to set off metaphorical sirens or fire alarms. To discuss anything involving labels is to prepare for another person to turn ghost. To ask questions is to wear a sign around our necks declaring we are clingy, needy, or impatient- none of which are considered attractive.
So we bite our tongues and entertain the dance of, “are we, aren’t we?” while we text daily, go on dates frequently, even sleep together, and still have no idea where the relationship is even going- if there is a relationship in the first place. We are terrified of being black-balled as someone who is desperate to fast-track a relationship, because in the current dating scene it’s all about living in the moment and not looking too far ahead. We hang out with each other for as long as we can, thinking it just might be heading somewhere, only to have to rug yanked from underneath us when the other person walks away without a second thought.
It can be easy to stay caught up in a cycle of never asking questions and going from one person to the next in hopes of finding a connection. It can be nerve-wracking to ask a person to their face, “where is this going?” because you might not like the answer.
The truth is you deserve more than someone who only wants to waste your time.
When we don’t make our intentions clear, we can blame no one but ourselves. If we refuse to be honest about what we want from the other person, we cannot blame them when they do not read our mind and refuse to deliver. However, if we are clear about wanting a real and exclusive relationship, and the other person strings you along with the intention of reaching a destination they never plan to get it, then we have to face the facts and walk away. It doesn’t matter how incredible he is. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to him. What does matter is your heart, and what you put it through for the sake of someone who is only interested in keeping you around for one more night, despite his reluctance to discuss any type of tomorrow.
It can be fun, and you know it. You won’t pretend like the memories you make aren’t at all enticing- if they weren’t you wouldn’t want to be with them in the first place. It can be wonderful when they have heartfelt and vulnerable discussions with you, choose to spend moments with you, or make you feel extremely important to them. It can be exciting from time to time to simply go with the flow and not ask questions about tomorrow. It can make you feel like the chill girl- the one who is totally cool with a casual situation. Until reality resurfaces and you remember just how not cool you are about being in an abstract situation with no idea of what to call it. Until you find yourself fixated on him, and only him, while he is still exploring his options. It can be fun to hold onto these moments, until those moments are gone and you’re left with more questions than the day before.
It can be fun, until it’s not anymore.
It’s okay that what you want is a real relationship- you aren’t insane for wanting that. You aren’t asking too much for wanting someone to be with you in a more permanent way. You aren’t crazy for wanting something more secure and real, despite how you might feel that way from time to time.
You know what you want, and it’s okay to want someone else on the same page as you.
It also isn’t crazy to want answers to questions, or to not even want to have so many questions in the first place. If the person you’re seeing doesn’t want a serious commitment, then that’s okay. What isn’t okay is pretending like they want something they don’t in order to keep you around. It’s not okay to keep you going in circles in hopes that you’ll change your mind about what you want. It’s not okay to make you feel like you’re too much for asking for a definition, just because they don’t want to give one.
If the person you are with is giving more excuses than answers, more reasons to keep you around rather than the commitment you’re asking for, then you owe it to yourself to walk away.
Despite how painful it might feel to not have them in your life, it’s only going to become more painful down the line with every passing day that you know they aren’t willing to be with you in a real way. You might think you’re letting them be the one who got away, but they can’t honestly be that if they never really wanted to stay with you in the first place. Despite how much you might care about them, you know that in your heart you can’t keep sitting around hoping they will wake up and decide you are worth being serious for.
You know you’re better than that.
In the end, you know you owe it to yourself to not spend any more of your time with someone who is only wasting yours.