By Mayank Mohan Upadhyay
Requesting someone to come in a relationship with you for the first time, during separation or after breakup is something that most of you have done. I’ve done it too. We all have been there. During this period of struggle, one often faces a dilemma: Is it worth it? Was my love so weak that now I have to beg for it? If I don’t beg my partner to stay now, will I regret it later?
The ‘Why?’ behind it
Before we jump into it, let us first try to understand the core reason behind our wish. Why do you want them to stay? In fact, why do we do or wish anything in life? It’s for our happiness . Even when you let somebody special go from your life and you say to yourself like a hero:
I’m not a selfish person. I just want that person’s happiness. If that person is happy by leaving me, then so be it. I’ll live in pain but let that person be happy
— aren’t you doing this because ultimately that pain gives you happiness? Won’t seeing that person happy will make you happy? (..Or maybe because you have no other option left than dealing with it. So why not portray yourself as a sacrificing hero?)
More efforts = More expectations = Less happiness
If a job at Google is worth 3 years of sincere efforts. 4 years tops. But if you put 6–7 years of efforts — way too much than it is worth — then you’re riding on the train of expectations to reach the station of disappointment. Because they’re not going to make you Google’s CEO.
If you really want a car and you keep putting efforts to buy it — saving crazily, compromising on other things — is worth it if the duration is reasonable. But if you do it for next 5 years and you finally are able to buy it as well, then would you really be happy with just that car? Your expectations would have grown by that time and you’ll be heavily disappointed to see that diamonds aren’t coming out of the exhaust — even though you deserve that after all that effort.
The point is, if you put way more efforts to make your partner stay, he/she may actually stay, but generally speaking — he/she wouldn’t change as a person drastically. He/she will remain the same person more or less. Just because you’ve put in so much effort for them wouldn’t make him/her love you like never before. Maybe momentarily, but after the initial effect fades away, everything will go back to the average condition. This will disappoint you. Because with more effort comes more expectation (Spiderman’s uncle saying something similar is merely a coincidence). You’re more likely to be unhappy after a while even though you have your partner.
Figure out the amount of happiness
So how much effort should you really put? How to determine the limit of your sacrifices you can do? Figure out the amount of happiness you’ll get by having that person in your life. Don’t assume that that person will change after all your efforts. But the exact same person, with same flaws, with the same character, with same features. It is not going to be easy, but it will tell you if your efforts are worth or not.
The moment you start feeling that if you put any more effort, your expectation out of that person would certainly grow — then this is the point where you should stop. Because any more effort wouldn’t be worth it.
No hard limits — but be aware
Now, of course, relationships aren’t so mathematically defined. You cannot necessarily put hard limits because it is very difficult to determine or follow. But be aware of your efforts. Go that extra mile if your heart says so, but don’t blindly do it. Being aware will help you stop sooner than later. It will help you know about an approaching tsunami so that you can remain prepared mentally to face it.
If it makes you happy in the moment, lower your ego and beg people to stay. Sometimes people just want to see how much you value them. But don’t go behind someone a lot more than they’re worth. Because even if you succeed, you will soon see it wasn’t worth your time and effort. Happiness will seem missing anyways.
Expectation vs reality of feelings
There’s a difference between what you want people to feel and what they feel. In the end, people will choose what they want to choose in life. Yes, you can convince them. You can maybe manipulate them as well. But for how long? Sooner or later, truth will come out, they will realize their best option, and they will leave you anyways if that’s their gut feel.
The fact is — a relationship is made by 2 people. If one person is not willing to start/ continue it, what’s the point of convincing them badly otherwise? Again, I’m not motivating you to give up on them. Try to convince them, make changes so that they would realize you back your words with actions, but don’t run behind them like dogs running behind trucks. When the truck will finally stop after 7 days, and you’d be almost dying due to all your efforts, you’d really be dissatisfied with yourself. It’s not worth it.
The ultimate truth: The death
You can put efforts only till that person is alive. What will you do once nature takes that person away from the world? Your life wouldn’t have any meaning or purpose then? Will you die after having touched only a fraction of all the available possibilities? The truth is we all are temporary. Don’t cling to anything so dearly. If you’ve already become that addicted to someone, start making little changes daily.
Because there’s a lot more in life than just some relationship. Let’s live the best life while we’re alive. One day at a time.