WOAH. These are bad.
By Liz Pardue-Schultz
It’s nearly impossible to maintain a relationship without a few white lies here and there, but occasionally, we may find ourselves on either end of a complete whopper. Regardless of the circumstances, justifications, or ethics, lies happen.
We asked men to tell us the biggest, baddest, bald-faced-est lies husbands tell their wives in marriages. Here are some of the worst we heard.
1. That I enjoy spending time with her family.
“My wife sincerely believes that I like her family — her parents in particular. I’ve never hated a group of toxic, selfish, manipulative assh*les so much in my life.”
2. That I stayed faithful during my bachelor party.
“That I didn’t sleep with anyone during my bachelor party weekend even though one groomsman had pictures of me getting cozy with the girl I slept with before I met up with her later that night. It was a terrible, horrible mistake I did under a ton of substances and it has legitimately never happened again, but I saw no need to crush her with that information. Carrying that secret is my punishment enough.”
3. That I have no plans to ever leave.
“That I don’t have an exit plan if sh*t goes downhill. Our therapist asked us how far we’d thought through our plans to leave and I told her I’d never really entertained the thought of it. However, I’ve always had an escape route up my sleeve for just in case. I think it’s foolish not to.”
4. That everything in our marriage was ‘fine.’
“I don’t mean to wax poetic or whatever, but the biggest lie I ever told my ex-wife was that I was fine all the time. I always agreed with her and I always said things were okay and they rarely were. And then one day, I just decided to stop and she had no idea what happened.”
5. That I would never sleep with my ex-wife.
“I still sleep with my ex-wife every year or couple years… sometimes more than that. My wife knows that my ex and I are cool since we have kids together and I never want to get back together with her, which [she and I] both agree on, but sometimes it happens.”
6. That I’m debt-free.
“I have three more credit cards than my wife knows about… and about $10,000 more debt.”
7. That our cat ran away.
“Technically, my wife’s cat did run away, but it was because I left our screen door open on purpose. F*cking hated that bastard.”
8. That I had nothing to do with my ex’s abortions.
“She doesn’t know that I supported my ex’s decision to have two separate abortions when we were still together. My wife is mega anti-abortion and when the topic comes up I just keep my mouth shut.”
9. That I was too sick to go to a wedding with her.
“The biggest lie I’ve ever told my wife was that I was too sick to go to her sister’s wedding. I stayed at home and played video games for two days straight and I don’t regret it at all.”
10. That the electric company was to blame, not me.
“This isn’t too bad, but our lights got cut off once and I totally blamed the electric company, but I’d been ignoring the notices until it was too late, thinking that I had time or would get a call or something. I took care of it, but she still hates our electric company because of that.”
11. That her best friend hit on me on our wedding day.
“The day of our wedding, one of my wife’s bridesmaids, an old college friend of ours, took me aside and starting telling me how she always thought that she and I would end up hooking up. She was 100 percent hitting on me, but she was also a little drunk and seemingly sad that one of her girlfriends was getting married before she was. She tried to kiss me and I quickly got out of there. My wife saw me later and said, ‘Hey, what did [drunk friend] want to talk to you about?’ and I told her, ‘She just told me to be good to you or she’d kill me.’ I wasn’t going to introduce that drama to my wedding day and I didn’t want to end their friendship. (To this day, the friend has NEVER mentioned it again.)”