By Sheila Hageman
It’s so easy to love somebody when they’re at their best, but that’s not when I need you the most. I don’t need your special caring when I’m riding high, when things are great at work and my emotions are stable. I need you to love me when no one else in the world will. When everybody’s laughing and judging or even just when there are no friends to be found.
When I lie in bed in the pit of my depression, in the throes of a panic attack, feeling completely worthless, hopeless and helpless…that’s when I need you to reach out to me and say, I love you.
I know there isn’t much lovable about me when I’m in a state of depression. There’s not much to be seen on the surface and that’s why you’re the only one who can give me the love I need; you are the only one who truly knows me enough to see through this temporary state of my being.
When I’m at my most unlovable, that’s when I need your love the most, to convince me that I am lovable.
It has been difficult for me to recognize on my own that I’m lovable. If you can help me to recognize that, you will be modeling the behavior I want to have for myself.
One day, I know I’ll be able to provide myself with that feeling. I will no longer feel unlovable but today, right now, I need your support. I need you to remind me when I can’t seem to do it myself. You will be helping me to heal and to learn to know the truth that you see: I’m lovable.
My childhood experiences led my mind to believe that I’m unlovable, and here I am as an adult oftentimes feeling that same way. My mind plays the old tape.
I try to correct myself when I hear the voices tell me I’m not worthy. I urge myself to remember those are old messages playing. I’m no longer that lost child. I’m no longer that scared young woman. I don’t have to live with those negative beliefs anymore.
But it’s hard to break the cycle of negativity. I even speak to myself as to a child who needs things repeated. I understand that’s how you feel, but look at your life. Look at the loving people and all the wonderful things you have, and remember you are lovable even when you feel there’s nothing worthy of you.
I’m asking for you to help me remember this because I know I’m not yet strong enough to fight for myself.
Sometimes it’s just easier to hear it from the outside. My inner voice is not as loud or as believable. I mean, why would I listen to myself when I already think I’m worthless and unlovable?
Please keep pushing your beautiful truth upon me. If you help me by reminding me every day that I’m lovable, maybe you can help me break the cycle.
Help me record a new message: I am lovable. I am loved and I am loving. I can move through the world and my life and change my beliefs about myself. I no longer have to live with the beliefs that have been driven into me and that I have taken on because they have been there for so long.
I know it is a lot to ask of you, but I know you love me enough to try. I love you enough that I will be open to hearing what you say, even when my own voice tries to drown you out.
Please don’t give up on me. Please try convincing me that I’m lovable. Please try to make me feel what you feel when you look at me. Please make me understand what you see in me. Help me to see myself the way you do.
You are the only one I can rely on. You are the only one capable of stepping into my closed-off world. You can chip away at the barriers I put up. You alone can break down the walls to my heart and clamber in to rescue me.
And I will do the same for you.
I know it’s not easy because when you’re in your state of unlovability, you push me away. You build your walls higher and place barbwire on the top, so I stand at the base, helpless, and cry. But you’re keeping me away. How can I love you?
But I know this is your way of being unlovable, of pushing me away. I will stand up against it. I will come with a sledgehammer and make my own doorway through your walls to get to you.
I promise you, I will remember this. I promise you the next time I see you hiding that I will remember this is when you need me the most.
Please love me when I’m unlovable because you are the only one I can ask. You are the only one I trust. You are the only one I have given my heart to.
Please love me when I’m unlovable because that’s when I need it the most.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.