By John A. Rawlings
There’s nothing physically wrong with me; I just have no interest in it.
I’m 54 years old and I haven’t had sex in 36 years.
Please hold your applause.
Let me explain how all this lack of sex actually happened because it’s more complicated than you might think.
Let’s start, as Julie Andrews has been known to say, at the very beginning.
When I was 18, I was in a relationship with a woman, and that relationship and the attraction we felt for each other led to us having sex together for the first time. That woman became emotionally hurt as a result of our intimacy because she had been drinking and the next day she felt as though I had taken sexual advantage of her.
I was equally traumatized, my first time having sex was transformed into something awful.
For years afterward, I was emotionally traumatized by her reaction and never wanted another relationship.
Attraction and sex had started to change in my mind and in my heart.
I mean, can you blame me? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt another woman, even unintentionally.
As years went on, I solely concentrated on academics and my career. As a result of being a vocational trainer and employment consultant in Australia (I helped people find careers), I began to see women in a different light. I understood their need to be seen as equals to their male counterparts, and my ideas about women changed from being one of just sexual appreciation to intellectual appreciation.
A lot of men can view women both ways, but my chosen profession, my prior experiences all led me to a discovery:
I am sapiosexual — a person inspired and aroused by someone’s intelligence.
I’m turned on by a woman’s mind because, as a man who’s both academically and vocationally aware, I appreciate women who share those same ambitions. I enjoy women’s intellectual capabilities and prefer their minds over their physical or sexual features.
What can I say, I like big brains and I cannot lie.
A stimulating conversation is more satisfying to me than anything sexual. Some sapiosexuals find themselves in sexual and romantic relationships when they are properly stimulated. But as of right now, that’s not the path I’ve chosen.
I’m not interested in sexual activity, because, the thought of sex with women doesn’t turn me on. That’s why I stay happily single.
My beliefs were the catalyst for wanting to keep women in the “friend zone” as opposed to seeing them as emotional or sexual entities. I haven’t always been able to explain how I think or feel about women and I’m sure this has left some broken hearts in my wake, and that’s the only thing I regret about the choices I’ve made regarding just how much I share about my sex life and sexual preferences.
I don’t miss sex because I never think about it. Some people think I’m asexual (i.e., not having any sexual emotions) as opposed to a sapiosexual, but I honestly don’t miss it; I’m more turned on by a woman’s intelligence than I am her physical body, and even though I might not act on these sexual urges, it’s just because I haven’t found a way of doing so that’s in line with my sexual identity as a sapiosexual.
I still masturbate but I don’t watch porn (surprise) because it just doesn’t highlight what I find sexy, though if you find a video of a woman talking about her doctoral dissertation please let me know. I also haven’t cuddled with a woman in about 36 years simply because I don’t miss cuddling. I’m more inclined to sit with a woman and discuss her mind, which is how I find pleasure in my interactions with women.
There’s nothing wrong with me, just like there’s nothing wrong with a person who is pansexual. We each relate to our sex lives difference, and that’s part of what makes the breadth of the human sexual experience so damn awesome.
Originally Published on Your Tango