By Steve Horsmon
I’ve identified one very consistent indicator in men that determines the future viability of their struggling relationship.
This one thing is what keeps you from being the type of man who can reverse the negative energy and consciously create the partnership you crave.
It applies whether you’re married or in a committed relationship where you’re feeling a loss of connection, respect and/or trust.
Here is the one thing that will cause you continued frustration, anxiety and uncertainty.
You’re afraid to lose her.
Your paralyzing, unspoken fear about losing her is keeping you from thinking clearly and fearlessly taking the actions which will create more connection, respect and trust.
It’s that underlying fear that is making you feel ashamed about your behavior and is eating away at your self-respect.
You probably have a sad story constantly replaying in your head telling you what a pathetic man you would be if you lost your wife and marriage.
You’re not alone.
This is the same story that keeps thousands of good men from “properly” loving their woman.
Why You Are Afraid to Lose Her?
This is what men tell me and it matches my own experience.
1.You’re afraid of being alone.
2.You’re afraid of feeling rejected and replaced.
3.You’re afraid of the impact on your kids.
4.You’re afraid of feeling inadequate or like a failure.
5.You’re afraid of losing your identity as a husband and father.
6.You’re afraid of seeing her with anyone else.
7.You’re afraid of never loving or being loved by someone again.
8.You’re afraid of what family and friends will think of you.
9.You’re afraid because it just isn’t supposed to turn out that way!
I’ve felt all of this before in my own marriage and see it with dozens of clients.
Those nine fears are like movie trailers that keep playing in shuffle mode in your brain morning, noon and night.
And while your mind is reeling at 100% capacity processing those fears you’re avoiding the only thing that can possibly help you.
You must do some deep work to face those fears and talk to them rationally. You need room to breathe.
The only way to start making changes that will actually help your relationship is to stop the fearful thinking that got you here in the first place.
The Importance of Getting Your Mojo Back
Many men tell me of a time when they felt very clear and confident about themselves, their life and their relationship. They know what mojo feels like but now – for whatever reason – it’s gone!
You need your mojo back. A man with mojo is a man who is calm, deliberate and pleased with himself (I stole that from a great man named Sean Stephenson).
Mojo is a man who feels strong, clear and confident in himself, what he wants, what he values and what he is creating – with or without the woman standing in front of him.
I’m talking about mojo – not “macho”.
Is it normal for a man to feel fear? Hell yes!
Is it acceptable for a man to be vulnerable? Absolutely! Vulnerability is healthy, necessary and kind of hot to most women. (in limited doses).
As Brene Brown said in her book,
Daring Greatly , “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
If a man allows his fear and vulnerability to keep him from taking positive action, he is screwed. He’s screwed not just in this relationship, but everywhere else in his life.
Action creates change. And if nothing changes – then nothing changes.
He is screwed because living in fear without taking his own initiative puts all of the responsibility – and all of his outcomes – in the hands of others.
And when it comes to women…they hate that.
What Does “properly love her” Mean?
It’s impossible to properly love your woman when you live in fear and cannot take action.
Why? Because she cannot properly experience the love, respect and affection you have to offer if it is all coming from a place of insecurity, fear and inaction.
1.Your fear and inaction is hard to respect. You appear weak.
2.Your fear and inaction make her feel uncertain and unsafe.
3.Your fear and inaction are uninspiring and unattractive.
4.Your fear and inaction put pressure on her that makes her move away from you and toward others.
5.Your fear and inaction make you focus SOLELY on what you’re not getting from her.
6.Your fear and inaction make you think, speak and act in whiny and needy ways.
7.Your fear and inaction make you look (and feel) selfish.
8.Your fear and inaction make it impossible for you to GIVE her your authentic, no strings attached love.
The term “properly love” means we are giving love from a place of wholeness.
It means we are giving our love from a place of security and self-confidence. We don’t need anything from her to complete us or protect us before loving her unconditionally.
Properly loving a woman (or any other human being) means that we are secure enough in ourselves that we don’t fear not getting something in return.
In the heart of a woman, proper loving doesn’t feel like a game of chess.
It feels like a fountain of unconditional appreciation and acceptance.
A Man’s Fearless Leap Toward Finding His Mojo
If you want to escape the jaws of fear and inaction, you will need to focus on a new direction and destination.
Choosing to do that takes a fearless leap of faith and non-negotiable personal resolve to create a better version of yourself.
Write a story of your future – a new end in mind – to replace the fear movies in your head. What is the 2.0 version of yourself you want to create? What would version 2.0 of your relationship look like? (seriously, write it down)
Change your mindset.
“I’m a man who fearlessly creates what he wants. Fear doesn’t create me.”
You will need to spend time with other men who have already figured this out to help you understand and face the fears keeping you stuck in inaction. Men need the guidance of other initiated man to help them conquer those fears. Most of us did not grow up with one of those men in our life.
This next one will sound funny to you.
You will need to commit less to your expected relationship outcomes and more to yourself.
Invest whatever time and money it takes to strengthen your sense of confidence, value, self-reliance and purpose.
Your next step is learning to focus on becoming the kind of man who gets what he wants. This will allow you to
stop defending the behavior of the man who is getting nothing he wants.
Your fear of not becoming that man must be greater than the fear of losing what you have right now.
Steve wrote a free ebook for men that goes deeper into our irrational fears of change. He also talked about it in depth on this podcast. Download “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage” Here