Abel Abel

I stood there and watched as Buhari slapped Tinubu….

My phone was in my hand, it was ringing… I didn’t even know it was ringing!

It was one Saturday evening. I had just returned from the hospital where I went for a medical check-up. The doctor told me there is nothing wrong with me. But I was feeling so weak and tired. You know how you just feel somehow? You know that you are not fine but you just don’t know why! Maybe it’s because of all the Affang soup my mum fed me while I was in Akwa Ibom.  I am Annang… there is something Common with the Annags, Ibibios, Efiks, infact all Akwa Ibomites and Cross Riverian, we like good food and we know how to make them.

 

So as I opened the door that Saturday Evening, there was no light (electricity). Since it was not getting dark, I didn’t bother to think of the generator.  I just sat on the chair and begin to wonder which of the food I ate that is responsible for my restlessness. Maybe it was the Afang. I ate too much of it.

 

As I was thinking, my neighbour opened the door and said “Mfon! Your Phone is ringing”

I immediately got back my 100% consciousness. I looked at the phone it was three missed calls. I had no idea who was calling. Yes… I didn’t have the number on my phone. My mum had warned me in the village not to call any number I don’t know, because she has heard that some strange numbers have been calling people, if you answer the phone, you will disappear and no one will see you again. I tried to argue with her but she reminded me that we are in ‘Ember months’, the period where ritualists are looking for blood to drink and sacrifice. That is my mum, she is always hearing something… she always has something to worry about.

 

Five minute later the phone was ringing again.  Iyami! Nsuto mkpo!  I picked up at the first ring.  The caller told me that I should be at the presidential Vila the following day by 4pm. Before I could say a word, he said that a 12pm flight has been reserved for me.

 

I was excited and I was scared at same time. I was excited because it is a privilege to be invited to the presidential quarters. But I was scared too, anyone who knows Mfon Abel Ekene on facebook knows that I have in some ways criticised the APC. I didn’t want to imagine the sight of three kobokos on my back.

 

The next day by 4pm I was live in Aso-rock. Even-though the weather was hot, I didn’t feel the heat. That sickness that has been worrying me suddenly disappeared.  I nod my head at the beautiful sight of the beautiful surrounding. Nigeria has indeed come along way.

 

I was taken into a special room to wait for mister president. Mr President?  Yes, Mr President! I began planning how I will greet the president. How I will carry my hand to shake him. How I will present myself. And also, how I will tell him to stop talking of the PDP and start focusing on his promises to Nigerians. Am sure the president will know that I meant well. So much energy has been spent Talking of the past administration, when it should have been spent building the new administration.

 

I sat for one hour there was no sight of Mr. President. By this time I was alone. The TV in the room was showing CNN. CNN? It is Sunday evening, I want to Watch Premiership or Akwa United!

 

Suddenly something went wrong. My stomach started disturbing. I needed to visit the toilet so bad. I tried to hold it but at a point, I couldn’t bear it again! So, I decided to help myself as a man. I stood up. Open the door beside me. I started my own ultimate search for a toilet.

 

That is how I came to this room. I heard two people arguing. I can hear one raising his voice. Someone was there begging them to calm down.

 

Instead of minding my business… I went to peep. As I looked through the key hole… I saw Mr President, the Vice President and Bola Tinubu.

 

Everything was like a movie. Tinubu said something that sound offensive, I don’t know. Mr President told him “Do you know am an old soldier?”

 

Tinubu kept quiet.

 

As I was looking at them, I didn’t know when I mess. Yes, a loud sounding fart.

 

I was hoping they didn’t hear it until Tinubu looked at Osibanjo and said “who mess?”

 

They started arguing again… but this time not about me. Before I knew it, the president landed Tinubu one solid slap.

 

At this point I lost control and said “Chai!” Then the vice president said ‘who is there? Someone is there, call the security.’ In a second I was surrounded.

 

I didn’t know how tears started dropping from my eyes.  What will I tell them I was doing here?

 

As I was about to run away, my sister called me.

 

She was asked me if I will eat eba so that she will make enough for the two of us.

 

I opened my eyes. So it was a dream?

 

My people… What do you think was responsible for this dream? Malaria or jedi jedi?

 

You can follow me on twitter @mfonabel. You can also follow on facebook via Mfon Abel Ekene or Mfonobong Abel Ekene. Write to me via mfon@abelabel.com

 

 

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